i figured it out.
fluctuation means (aside from extremely unhealthy and sporadic weight gains and losses) my interests and attempts at interests. i think i keep finding out about things i think i ought to have found out about sooner, and so then i end up branching off and forgetting the rest of the things i thought that about, until i encounter a particular ignorance again and feel doubly doubly ignorant for having tried and still lost.
but mostly evacuation. mostly anal explosive.